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For the last progression we had to read Amy Tan's novel, The Bonesetter's Daughter, which described the relationship between Ruth and her mother, LuLing and how she tries to uncover her mother's past. In our first exercise, we looked at scholarly journals that could help us argue a main idea or theme from the novel. Then, we had a socratic seminar where the whole class discussed what they wanted to talk about for their essays and asked questions and opinions of our classmates. In addition, we were able to talk to Professor Gamboa-Wong to ask questions and bring up concerns on our argument. Through all the help, we wrote either a text-based analysis or a literary analysis from The Bonesetter's Daughter.
The Results of Silence
Communicating with other people may seem like an insignificant, everyday task, but everyone should be able to express their feelings and beliefs easily in order to create a strong, lasting relationship with acquaintances. Some people may want to avoid their loved ones and not express how they really feel, while others are not afraid to articulate their true feelings and become upset, but within these extremes there needs to be a medium where both people in a relationship are able to freely express themselves and not keep secrets. In Amy Tan’s The Bonesetter’s Daughter, Ruth’s relationships with her mother, LuLing, and her boyfriend, Art, are very complicated and full of miscommunication. LuLing keeps secrets from Ruth, but since being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Ruth begins to understand her mother more. Similarly, Ruth experiences confusion with her relationship with Art, until he expresses his true feelings when she moves out of his house. Ruth’s relationships with her loved ones improve because they communicate with one another with trust and honesty. The ways in which Ruth communicates with LuLing and Art hinders their relationship, but once they are able to reveal their secrets and share their feelings, Ruth’s relationships grow substantially stronger.
Since LuLing and Ruth continually argue and yell at one another when Ruth is a teenager, Ruth sees her relationship with her mother as unsatisfactory. For instance, when LuLing caught Ruth smoking a cigarette in her room, they begin to argue uncontrollably. Immediately after, Ruth writes in her diary that she wishes her mother would kill herself, which causes LuLing to try committing suicide by jumping out of her window (145-148). Instead of talking to each other in calm voices, they scream at one another and Ruth says something she does not actually mean. It is not until this incident where Ruth realizes how much words mean even if it may seem harmless at one point in time. Even though they talk to one another, they are not able to understand each other and do not communicate to the best of their ability. Ruth and LuLing’s inability to communicate calmly damages their mother daughter relationship and makes Ruth feel guilty for the rest of her life. Furthermore, Michael E. Burns, a PhD student, and Judy C. Pearson, a professor, did a study on three family environments and how communication affected family satisfaction. Burns and Pearson believe “family satisfaction is a person’s felt experience or perception about the quality of the relationships and life within a family. The type of family communication environment and the daily conversations occurring among family members influence this perception of quality or satisfaction” (Burns 174). Burns and Pearson explain that the manner in which family members speak to one another affects one’s outlook on their quality of life within and outside of their family. Consequently, the manner in which Ruth and LuLing speak to each other causes Ruth and LuLing to think their quality of life is poor. Since they never reconcile, they continue to fight and yell at one another, hindering their relationship and their outlook on their quality of life. Given that LuLing and Ruth are not able to speak to one another calmly and clearly, Ruth feels as if their relationship is toxic.
Ruth and LuLing’s relationship continues to diminish since they keep secrets from one another and cannot reveal details of their lives to each other. Though once Ruth hears the truth about LuLing’s mother, she begins to respect her mother more and they communicate easily. For example, when Ruth was a teenager LuLing would read her diary because she believes there should be no secrets in their relationship: “Didn’t Mom ever realize, Ruth now mused, how her demands for no secrets drove me to hide even more from her? Yet maybe her mother did sense that. Maybe it made her hide certain truths from Ruth about herself. Things too bad to say. They could not trust each other. That was how dishonesty and betrayal started, not in big lies, but small secrets” (Tan 144). Since LuLing was never able to trust Ruth and they often disagreed, Ruth felt forced to lie to her mother because she was never accepting of new ways. In addition, since LuLing cannot even tell Ruth about her life in China, she feels as if they cannot trust each other. As a result, they go behind each other’s backs and keep secrets. Ruth and LuLing have secrets hidden from each other, which disables their ability to communicate with one another fully and without worries. Since they cannot talk to each other about everything they go through, they do not have an ideal mother daughter relationship. Conversely, once Ruth finds out about LuLing’s past, she becomes upset that her mother could not tell her sooner: “Why did she feel she could never tell Ruth that Precious Auntie was her mother? Did she fear that her own daughter would be ashamed that LuLing was illegitimate? Ruth would have assured her that there was no shame, that it was practically fashionable these days to be born a love child” (322). Ruth wishes that she had known the truth about Precious Auntie earlier so they could have had an honest, intimate relationship. Although Ruth learns about her mother’s history while she is a grown adult, she is able to accept her mother and begins to appreciate her more. Ruth does not become bitter at LuLing. Instead, she respects her mother even more and continues to take care of her as her Alzheimer’s develops. Without the secrets in LuLing and Ruth’s relationship, they grow to respect and show how much they care and love one the each other.
Ruth’s relationship with her boyfriend, Art, also struggles with communication issues, since Art acts stubbornly and does not always listen to Ruth. In one instance, Art asks Ruth to stay at home and wait for the plumber to come, but she insistently asks if he could do it instead. Art does not give in and only thinks about himself in the situation and as a result asks Ruth “Why do you have to be so difficult?” (20). Art grows increasingly angry with Ruth and instead of listening to her and compromising, he puts Ruth down. Communicating effectively in a relationship also includes one listening to the other person and not immediately being upset with that person. In order for Ruth and Art’s relationship to be trusting and life-long, Art needs to not always blame Ruth. Consequently, Wesley R. Burr, a professor in the Department of Family Sciences at Brigham Young University, explains the uses of I-statements and how they can help when talking about problems in a relationship: “They are effective because they locate the problem inside the person making the statement. Also, they communicate that the individuals who bring up the problem recognize that their view of it is a subjective belief rather than an objective fact, and their leaves room for other perceptions or definitions” (Burr 266). I-statements are sentences that state a person’s emotions and opinions on a certain issue. When in an argument, this type of statement can be useful for people to express themselves without attacking the opposition. An I-statement is the opposite of what Art said to Ruth when he grew angry with her. Instead of explaining how he feels, he communicates in a rude manner. Due to Art and Ruth’s poor communication skills, their relationship begins to go into turmoil and Ruth questions why she is with Art. In addition to Art’s statement, Art usually avoids conflict conversations and separates himself from Ruth. As a result, they communicate very little and eventually Ruth moves in with her mother. Though, once Art tries to prove his love for Ruth and admits his mistakes, he reveals, “In all these years we’ve been together, I don’t think I know an important part of you. You keep secrets inside you. You hide. It’s as though I’ve never seen you naked, and I’ve had to imagine what you look like behind the drapes” (Tan 354). Even though Art has made some mistakes in communicating with Ruth, he tells her that she also has troubles telling him what she is truly feeling. Ruth tends to keep her emotions and opinions to herself, but Art tries to help her be more trustworthy and open with him. By letting Ruth know how he feels, Art becomes a person that Ruth can trust and talk to. Consequently, their relationship is strengthened by their ability to communicate and trust one another.
Ruth’s relationship with LuLing and Art suffer due to their poor communication skills, but once secrets are revealed and they are all able to express their emotions and opinions, Ruth’s relationships improve. When Ruth was a teenager, LuLing and her would always yell and get into fights, but once Ruth learns about LuLing’s history in China, she is able to treat her mother with more respect and their trust and love is more evident. In addition, once Art expresses his opinion on how Ruth keeps secrets and does not share her emotions, they are able to trust each other. Since Ruth is able to communicate with her loved ones more easily, she can respect, love, and trust them. Communication has proven to be vital for relationships to be long lasting and strong. Without this everyday necessity, relationships between loved ones would be weak and unsettling.
Works Cited
Burns, Michael E., and Judy C. Pearson. "An Exploration Of Family Communication Environment, Everyday Talk, And Family Satisfaction." Communication Studies 62.2 (2011): 171-185. Academic Search Premier. Web. 5 Nov. 2013.
Burr, Wesley R. "Beyond I-Statements in Family Communication." Family Relations 39.3 (1990): 266-71. JSTOR. Web. 28 Oct. 2013.
Tan, Amy. The Bonesetter's Daughter. New York: G.P. Putnam's, 2001. Print.
Since LuLing and Ruth continually argue and yell at one another when Ruth is a teenager, Ruth sees her relationship with her mother as unsatisfactory. For instance, when LuLing caught Ruth smoking a cigarette in her room, they begin to argue uncontrollably. Immediately after, Ruth writes in her diary that she wishes her mother would kill herself, which causes LuLing to try committing suicide by jumping out of her window (145-148). Instead of talking to each other in calm voices, they scream at one another and Ruth says something she does not actually mean. It is not until this incident where Ruth realizes how much words mean even if it may seem harmless at one point in time. Even though they talk to one another, they are not able to understand each other and do not communicate to the best of their ability. Ruth and LuLing’s inability to communicate calmly damages their mother daughter relationship and makes Ruth feel guilty for the rest of her life. Furthermore, Michael E. Burns, a PhD student, and Judy C. Pearson, a professor, did a study on three family environments and how communication affected family satisfaction. Burns and Pearson believe “family satisfaction is a person’s felt experience or perception about the quality of the relationships and life within a family. The type of family communication environment and the daily conversations occurring among family members influence this perception of quality or satisfaction” (Burns 174). Burns and Pearson explain that the manner in which family members speak to one another affects one’s outlook on their quality of life within and outside of their family. Consequently, the manner in which Ruth and LuLing speak to each other causes Ruth and LuLing to think their quality of life is poor. Since they never reconcile, they continue to fight and yell at one another, hindering their relationship and their outlook on their quality of life. Given that LuLing and Ruth are not able to speak to one another calmly and clearly, Ruth feels as if their relationship is toxic.
Ruth and LuLing’s relationship continues to diminish since they keep secrets from one another and cannot reveal details of their lives to each other. Though once Ruth hears the truth about LuLing’s mother, she begins to respect her mother more and they communicate easily. For example, when Ruth was a teenager LuLing would read her diary because she believes there should be no secrets in their relationship: “Didn’t Mom ever realize, Ruth now mused, how her demands for no secrets drove me to hide even more from her? Yet maybe her mother did sense that. Maybe it made her hide certain truths from Ruth about herself. Things too bad to say. They could not trust each other. That was how dishonesty and betrayal started, not in big lies, but small secrets” (Tan 144). Since LuLing was never able to trust Ruth and they often disagreed, Ruth felt forced to lie to her mother because she was never accepting of new ways. In addition, since LuLing cannot even tell Ruth about her life in China, she feels as if they cannot trust each other. As a result, they go behind each other’s backs and keep secrets. Ruth and LuLing have secrets hidden from each other, which disables their ability to communicate with one another fully and without worries. Since they cannot talk to each other about everything they go through, they do not have an ideal mother daughter relationship. Conversely, once Ruth finds out about LuLing’s past, she becomes upset that her mother could not tell her sooner: “Why did she feel she could never tell Ruth that Precious Auntie was her mother? Did she fear that her own daughter would be ashamed that LuLing was illegitimate? Ruth would have assured her that there was no shame, that it was practically fashionable these days to be born a love child” (322). Ruth wishes that she had known the truth about Precious Auntie earlier so they could have had an honest, intimate relationship. Although Ruth learns about her mother’s history while she is a grown adult, she is able to accept her mother and begins to appreciate her more. Ruth does not become bitter at LuLing. Instead, she respects her mother even more and continues to take care of her as her Alzheimer’s develops. Without the secrets in LuLing and Ruth’s relationship, they grow to respect and show how much they care and love one the each other.
Ruth’s relationship with her boyfriend, Art, also struggles with communication issues, since Art acts stubbornly and does not always listen to Ruth. In one instance, Art asks Ruth to stay at home and wait for the plumber to come, but she insistently asks if he could do it instead. Art does not give in and only thinks about himself in the situation and as a result asks Ruth “Why do you have to be so difficult?” (20). Art grows increasingly angry with Ruth and instead of listening to her and compromising, he puts Ruth down. Communicating effectively in a relationship also includes one listening to the other person and not immediately being upset with that person. In order for Ruth and Art’s relationship to be trusting and life-long, Art needs to not always blame Ruth. Consequently, Wesley R. Burr, a professor in the Department of Family Sciences at Brigham Young University, explains the uses of I-statements and how they can help when talking about problems in a relationship: “They are effective because they locate the problem inside the person making the statement. Also, they communicate that the individuals who bring up the problem recognize that their view of it is a subjective belief rather than an objective fact, and their leaves room for other perceptions or definitions” (Burr 266). I-statements are sentences that state a person’s emotions and opinions on a certain issue. When in an argument, this type of statement can be useful for people to express themselves without attacking the opposition. An I-statement is the opposite of what Art said to Ruth when he grew angry with her. Instead of explaining how he feels, he communicates in a rude manner. Due to Art and Ruth’s poor communication skills, their relationship begins to go into turmoil and Ruth questions why she is with Art. In addition to Art’s statement, Art usually avoids conflict conversations and separates himself from Ruth. As a result, they communicate very little and eventually Ruth moves in with her mother. Though, once Art tries to prove his love for Ruth and admits his mistakes, he reveals, “In all these years we’ve been together, I don’t think I know an important part of you. You keep secrets inside you. You hide. It’s as though I’ve never seen you naked, and I’ve had to imagine what you look like behind the drapes” (Tan 354). Even though Art has made some mistakes in communicating with Ruth, he tells her that she also has troubles telling him what she is truly feeling. Ruth tends to keep her emotions and opinions to herself, but Art tries to help her be more trustworthy and open with him. By letting Ruth know how he feels, Art becomes a person that Ruth can trust and talk to. Consequently, their relationship is strengthened by their ability to communicate and trust one another.
Ruth’s relationship with LuLing and Art suffer due to their poor communication skills, but once secrets are revealed and they are all able to express their emotions and opinions, Ruth’s relationships improve. When Ruth was a teenager, LuLing and her would always yell and get into fights, but once Ruth learns about LuLing’s history in China, she is able to treat her mother with more respect and their trust and love is more evident. In addition, once Art expresses his opinion on how Ruth keeps secrets and does not share her emotions, they are able to trust each other. Since Ruth is able to communicate with her loved ones more easily, she can respect, love, and trust them. Communication has proven to be vital for relationships to be long lasting and strong. Without this everyday necessity, relationships between loved ones would be weak and unsettling.
Works Cited
Burns, Michael E., and Judy C. Pearson. "An Exploration Of Family Communication Environment, Everyday Talk, And Family Satisfaction." Communication Studies 62.2 (2011): 171-185. Academic Search Premier. Web. 5 Nov. 2013.
Burr, Wesley R. "Beyond I-Statements in Family Communication." Family Relations 39.3 (1990): 266-71. JSTOR. Web. 28 Oct. 2013.
Tan, Amy. The Bonesetter's Daughter. New York: G.P. Putnam's, 2001. Print.